Struggling

I struggle with writing today as I'm still so sad. I'm crying less but just because the tears aren't falling doesn't mean I'm done grieving. Mason and Dave made Halloween so much fun. Mason was Darth Vader and Dave decorated like he always does. Sunday, the sun was out and the sky was a most gorgeous shade of blue. Mason and I walked to town, got a hot chocolate (I had decaf), and picked up a few groceries. The fall colors were so beautiful, yet my eyes were still wet.

Here's why I'm struggling; I don't want to be writing about my heart break and sadness incessantly, it's so personal and though you all love me, you're not feeling the loss like I am. I can hear you all telling me it's okay, that you understand, but do you really want to keep reading how sad I feel? I don't think so.

The flip side is that I am real, and that means real in joy and in grief. Many of you have commented over the years about how I paint my life picture so rosy and there's a hint of can it really be that good all the time? in your voice. My answer is, "Yes, it really is that good." Sure, I see the bright side so I don't always acknowledge the hiccups and when I do, I make light of them. I decided to write this because I am real, and I'm really soaked with sadness right now. I'm still crying, my chin quivers when I talk, my voice all but disappears when someone asks me how I am, and I miss biting my Riley every morning. I can't help but think this would be easier if he were 15 years old and his time had come. 7 was just too young.

With all that said, life is made up of so many things, one of them being sorrow. The cutting, uncontrollable emotions will get easier and the good will soon outweigh the sadness. Bear with me while I get through this. With love.