About Gift Giving

This is the joy of Christmas, not gifts.

Back on December 10, 2012, I wrote a blog post about the pressure to give gifts, especially at Christmastime. In essence, this is what I wrote, “It's two weeks before Christmas and everyone is busier than ever. Today has been a little overwhelming for me, I really don't like all the focus of the holiday season being about buying stuff/gifts... specifically, "I want this, and this, and this, and that." I find very little joy in buying items off a list. First of all, there is no surprise factor and secondly, it's not a gift I chose for you. The flip side of this struggle for me is, sure, these are the things you want, but here we are, "things you want - things I want," where is the "gift" in that? I think of a gift as something I really thought about choosing for you, our relationship, how it will make you feel today and for years to come...maybe it's just me, but I don't find any Christmas joy in buying stuff from a list that would mean just as much as if you had purchased it yourself on some idle Tuesday.

So what am I to do with this? I can rebel and do what I want to do which is give gifts I've baked and canned, and write a heartfelt note to those who make my life so rich in love and friendship. Is that really so rebellious? For some, yes and for others, they will see my gifts as a moment of holiday fun when they comment that my cookies "might" be too pretty to eat, or send me a handwritten thank you note sharing that my apple butter is the best they've ever had (Yes, John Howard Swain, your note will forever hang on my office bulletin board!). My sweet husband, though he gave me a list, is in the kitchen as I write this post making chocolate truffles (thank you Teresa Tjaden!) for his friends and coworkers...so I guess it must be true, from the heart and of ones hands must be the best gifts, at Christmastime and all year long.”

Here we are in December, 2016 and the struggle over the gift-giving is greater than ever! How can that be? How can there be angst about giving gifts. There is angst for me because, first and foremost, I don’t like the idea that anyone “Has” to give a gift. Oh, it’s true, there is lots of obligation this time of year. To that I ask, do you really want a “gift” from me that I only purchased because I feel I have to give it to you? Secondly, There are many who tie their worth, or value to the giver to the gift they are given. So if Dave buys me a new car, he clearly loves me more than if he were to write me a love letter tied to a bunch of flowers? To some people, absolutely! 

Growing up, one of my friend’s mom kept lots of 6-packs of fuzzy footies on hand and wrapped just in case someone came over unexpectedly, she would have a gift for them. I know this, because every year I was there and I got a 6-pack of fuzzy footies. I also know business people who keep cases of “gifts” in their cars so if they run in to a client, potential client, or coworker, they have a gift. Now to many, this would be the way to do it, but for me, it’s completely unthoughtful, impersonal, and in some cases, hurtful. It is buying into the Hallmark Commercialness of it all and exhibits none of the spirit of the season.

Tonight after more than a week of fights with Mason about “The Rule,” it came to me in a moment of simplistic clarity - a moment where I did not have to think about it for one more second. “The Rule” is that after Halloween, nobody in our family is allowed to buy items for themselves. The reasoning being, if you noted you loved something and another family member went back to get it for you as a gift, your purchase has spoiled their opportunity to show that they heard you, and thought enough of you to go back and get you that gift. Well, this has not worked for me. It’s been an uphill battle for the last two years since my young tween and now teen has started making the money to buy many of the things he wants to have. What I realized tonight is a lesson I learned so long ago, twenty years in fact. I don’t know why I wasn’t able to put it together here, in this situation sooner. Many years ago I learned that I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone love me, I can’t make them be faithful, I can’t make people do business with me, or even like me. All I can control is me, what I want, and the actions I take to get there. DUH! I’ve been trying to control Dave and Mason and the fact is, no one likes to be controlled. With that said, there is no more rule, and I’m not buying gifts unless it’s something that really speaks to me about you. And not just in December, if I see something that I love for you, I’m buying it and gifting it to you then and there. 

My gift to those I love, from this point forward is that I am going to enjoy Christmas the way I love it. I’m going to decorate with Dave, I’m going to bake and decorate my cookies, cakes, and whatever else strikes my fancy, I’m going to watch Hallmark movies, and listen to Christmas music, decorate the tree, and enjoy the people I love. The sweets and mandarins that I mail are gifts for family and friends but not out of obligation, out of love to share my gifts. BIG SIGH! I feel so much better! So please, understand, that my not giving you a material thing during the holidays does not mean that I don’t love you, or adore our relationship, it is more to the point that it means I love you enough to share me with you, and if you have time, let’s go have some coffee and visit.