What Are You Really Saying?

"I have been preaching to Mason his entire life about the fact that you can not unsay things, you can not unring a bell. You may have the opportunity to say you are sorry, but you still said it. Today an awesome experience in my life is forever marred by the insensitive ego of another. Someone who feels they are more important than the feelings of another. To work SO hard to move someone else's project and dream forward only to be dismissed by a look of utter disgust and finger pointing with negative head-shaking gestures to emphasize that I was the reason for such a pointed upset. I can say this for sure, I will be way more cautious with my reactions and non-verbal communications from this point forward, especially with Mason. I will try to respond, not react, and ask questions before I assume I know the whole story. I don't ever want to be responsible for hurting another like I was hurt today." June 15, 2018 

This was written after an incident on a movie set where I was working in casting and the producer scolded me for facilitating a photo with the lead actor and his young co-star. He would likely defend his actions by noting that I knew better than to ask a principal talent for a photo with someone on set especially since we had all been told that this was not allowed. The fact of the matter was that the young girl was also principal talent and the lead actor had offered the photo. All of that combined with that there was virtually no one else around us until the producer walked up while the photo was being taken by the young girl's mother, he had just enough time to spew his non-verbal vitriol all over me and let me just say, make me feel like he I had murdered his only child in cold blood. Really, it was a moment that my blood ran cold and I could not keep my emotions together. I felt as though my life moved into slow motion mode, his actions were amplified while moving in half speed, and I could not breathe. Did this moment elicit this reaction because I was doing something I knew was wrong? Was his intent to scold me so strong that it hit me like a semi truck? I don't know the answer all the way, but I know I could not hold it together, I cried all day so Sally sent me home. I cried all night at home, I could not stop thinking about how I let Sally down (Sally is my boss at the casting agency), and how I didn't want to ever come face to face with producer dude again. Before that could happen, Sally tried to smooth things over with a phone call, I would not have agreed to a phone call but I didn't have a choice, Sally patched us all together before I could say anything. 

As I sit here typing, I feel futile, it seems people like this guy simply don't get it. He has no people skills, he really doesn't care about me, so why would he care how I feel? He didn't apologize and when I saw him on set the next time, he put it on me, "Are you over all this nonsense?" The bottom line is that I won't work for or with him again. I know that the depth of the hurt from his incident had something to do with me because this knucklehead could not have hurt me like this if it were only about him. I know I try to please people, I work really hard to do a good job, follow the rules, and provide services above and beyond what is expected of me. When I don't succeed in doing that, I am disappointed in myself. I stand by what I wrote that day, I will work hard to respond to people, not react. I will ask questions before I assume I know the whole story. I don't want to be responsible for hurting another like HB hurt me on 6/15/18.