A Whole New Life - No Thank You!

In May of 2015, I had an incident while I was at school. While sitting in a video editing class viewing other student's projects, I started to feel strange, like a tingling in my knees that was moving up my legs into my torso and I felt like I might faint. I excused myself and very intentionally made my way to the health center where I asked if someone could take my blood pressure. They said something about a form, and my student ID and I said again, "Can someone please take my blood pressure?" There was more talk about the form... I interrupted and said, "I'm going to pass out" and I looked for a chair. The next thing I knew paramedics were there, my BP was really high and I was taking my very first ride in an ambulance. The ride was just 15 minutes and by the time I arrived in the ER, everything seemed to be fine. My vital signs had stabilized and my BP was much lower, still elevated, but not like it was. Some tests were run in the hospital and it was determined that I hyperventilated. What?! That sure did not resonate with me as to what had happened, but okay, I was feeling better and I went home.

The following weeks I had several occurrences of that same kind of what I determined was anxiety-like episodes and one really left me shaken. I took a quick trip to CVS Pharmacy and when I came out the doors, I did not know where I was or why I was there. I had a sense that I was in a familiar place, but I did not know where my car was or even what I was driving. I stood there for what seemed like a long time and started to walk into the parking lot looking for a car that I hoped I would recognize when I saw it. I did. I got in and sat there for again, what seemed like a long time. I finally felt like I could drive and I drove home like nothing had happened. When I got home I took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated but I attributed that to the scare I just had. I stretched out on my bed and started to cry. What was happening to me?

I had several more anxiety attacks through the summer but for the most part, things seemed to normalize. It wasn't until December of the same year that I woke up with a horrible headache. A headache like I've never experienced, I had to guess it was a migraine. I had plans that day to have lunch with a friend but between the headache I had and the crazy weakness I was feeling, I canceled. I took my blood pressure around 1 PM and it was elevated, but not more than usual, 140/90 if I recall. I was expecting friends that evening and I didn't want to cancel because they were coming to watch Mason's episode of Chopped Junior and they had gifts for him. They came and we had dinner while we watched his episode and here it came again, that feeling in my knees, up through my legs, into my torso and suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe. I asked Mason to get me the BP cuff and here we went again, 180 over something...but I knew I needed to go to the ER. My friends took me in and by the time we got there I was feeling like I was fighting to stay conscious. I was rushed right in and spent over 6 hours there. The ER doc had this to say, "WOW Mrs. Partak, you are healthy as can be, I can't find a single thing out of line, but what is up with this blood pressure? Did you take too much of your thyroid medication?" Nope. "Did you drink some coffee or take some kind of stimulant late today?" Nope. "Well, I'm going to prescribe you some regular blood pressure medication and askt that you follow up with your regular doctor." Great, and I headed home.

I started taking the medication and things seemed to settle down. I had a few more episodes of what seemed to be anxiety attacks, the sense that I might faint, and weakness, but each time it happened and I checked my BP, it was normal. Fast forward to early 2017 and I find that I am really struggling to keep the pounds off. The things I could do with my diet and exercise were not working and guess what else? The hot flashes started. I didn't initially connect the things that had happened in 2015 with the onset of menopause, but you know what, that is exactly what was happening! The more I read and the further I am getting in this process of the life change, it's exactly spot on. Here I am today not so much with the blood pressure episodes, but I am up 30 lbs and I cannot get the weight off. I have severe joint pain to the point I don't want to stand up in the morning and hold my own weight, but it hurts to keep lying in bed. I walk like I am an ill 100-year-old woman - I add ill because I don't want to be disrespectful to those fit and spry 100-year-old women. My emotions are a mess, I cry, I'm sad, I'm mad, I snap at Dave and Mason, it's awful. I'm sure you are reading this thinking, Oh, Kathy, just get this XYZ herb, or this supplement, or get to the gym, you need to exercise, or this diet is just what will help you, Fast, it's just what your body needs, it helped me... I hear you, we all want to help, but I have to tell you, if I wasn't experiencing this and know on my honor that it is the way I'm sharing it is, I don't know if I would believe me.

With all of this said, I am doing my best to know this too shall pass. It will not be forever even though ten years feels like a lifetime. I know I am not defined by my weight and body size, but yeah, I kinda am. Our society does not see what is really happening, it sees that I let myself go, that I don't have the willpower to not eat the cookies. For those of you who know and admire my optimistic outlook, you would be surprised to know that I cry every day, that I don't want to leave my house because my clothes don't fit and it hurts even more to buy BIGGER clothes. Going to the gym is a double whammy - not only does it hurt physically, like real constant pain, it hurts to see how big I am in all the mirrors. I don't want to go out with Dave because I am embarrassed about what I look like and how that may make him feel. I'm really more miserable than I've ever been and I'm not sure how to get through without major repercussions to my relationships. I wrote to my doctor today letting her know how extreme my feelings and emotions have become and she will be seeing me this week.

How is it that women all over the world can be feeling this way and there is not more being done to help? There are only 1100 doctors that are fully educated and certified to treat menopause, only 1100 in the United States. There is a sense that once we are past childbearing years, we become obsolete, no longer needed. I am absolutely sure most will disagree with me, but again, this is where my emotional state is right now, this is how I feel. I want this documented why? I don't know, I just want to be able to go back and connect the dots because I'm sure my memory is not getting any sharper either. I hope you all are aging more gracefully than I am, really, I do.

AARP Article