I'm Scared.

Why? Why am I scared? What am I scared of? Is scared the right word? It feels more like terrified. There are so many things I want to do and I have things I want to say, things I feel are relevant but when I stand up to say them I become paralyzed. I am overcome with insecurity and I think, why does anyone care what I have to say? and I immediately sit back down. That last sentence was a metaphor because all of this happens in my head, I don't even really stand up. Who is this person? I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because the reactions when I broach the subject range from, "What?! You?!" to, "Whatever! Not you, you are the most confident person I know." How do I continue to talk to people who can't even comprehend that the most outgoing, confident person they know is currently terrified of her own voice right now? In fact, I think that's it, it is so uncomfortable for the people close to me to see me weak and broken that they don't know what to do. How can they know what to do, I don't know what to do.

Flowers on the first day of fall is a family tradition.

I will say this, there is one person who is showing up, asking me to share, wanting to know how I feel and allowing me to feel whatever it is I may be feeling and that is my sweet Flower Dave. Dave has been buying me flowers on the first day of fall for as many years as I can remember, it's my favorite time of year. This year he did not buy me a bouquet of flowers, he bought me a bouquet of flowers for every room in our house! I'm not kidding! Look at this photo. Is this a gesture that says, "I see you, Kathy, I see you and I love you. Flowers make you happy and I want you to be happy." See that Coke bottle? That is for scale to give you an idea of how flipp'n big that middle bouquet is! It's huge, or as I call, "Soap Opera" sized. LOL! If you watch soaps, you know what I am talking about, the flowers in the entryways of the homes (sets), are crazy big, like no normal person has flower arrangements that big in their homes, well, at least not people I know.

It's interesting, through the years Dave has said he thinks of me as his best friend but I have not always thought of him as my best friend. Before you get up in arms, yes he is my husband and I love him with all that I am. I think as young girls we have best friends and if we are lucky we stay friends into adulthood, you all know how lucky I am, I have both of my childhood best friends Julie and Lauren. As I've matured I've come to believe that it is silly to think that we have a single best friend, we have people in our lives that fill different needs and some at different times, some through all the times. I don't share everything with Dave because he already thinks I talk too much and he's not interested in everything that goes on in my life and relationships with the women in my life. If it comes up, I'll share, I have nothing to hide, I just don't share all of it. I had a realization the other day that even though Dave does not like to hear my long-winded stories, and we do not always agree, he really is my best friend. He is the one person who sees me when I am not at my best, he doesn't tell me I'm all that but he tells me I'm something super special when he sees it. He gets that I can handle a tough conversation but I don't ever want to hurt someone with my words. In fact, he sees that I am far more sensitive than many people will ever know. I'm part of a group of women who are going through menopause and it is amazing how many of those women's spouses/partners are leaving them. WOW! It's shocking to me that as soon as this craziness is setting in, marriages are ending. Dave has never made me feel like our marriage may be on the rocks while I'm going through this difficult time...and let me say, this has been the most difficult time of my life - hands down, the most difficult!

I feel like I've gone off rambling here but welcome to my new world. I hope I don't have to live here for long, but the point of my post was to say it out loud, I'm feeling insecure, my body is HUGE!! It's bigger than it's ever been not pregnant, my clothes don't fit, clothes that do fit look awful and feel awful, my body hurts, it smells bad (yes, I said smells bad, why?), I am eating well and very little and my weight continues to creep up...up, eating less and my weight is going up. I have been reading crazy amounts about menopause and weight gain, specifically the belly fat. I understand it but I don't like it. I am staying the course, I am continuing to eat good healthy food, trying to stay motivated to go to the gym, drinking lots of water, and just praying that my body will adjust to the lower levels of estrogen and let go of the excess fat that it seems to feel it needs right now. Back to my feelings of fear, I need to get back to doing sit-ups, or at least crunches. I say crunches because I don't think I can do a full sit up, my belly is so big right now (it measures a full 40+ inches around) it may be akin to doing a sit up while 38 weeks pregnant. I am going to record myself doing the crunches from day one. I don't know if I will post it initially, but I will have the documentation for when I see some real progress. I want to face this feeling of fear and overcome it, I want to do the things I want to do and not allow menopause to steal me from me... I don't like this me and I don't think my people like this me either.

PS If this post makes no sense, it's okay, it's where I am right now. I'm hopeful it will all come together and I can be back to being me again soon. I hope.