What's Wrong? It's Nothing.

I've been feeling kind of emotional and beat up the last two weeks, the river may have been a good place to go reflect but I couldn't muster the gumption to go. Instead, I went with my boys to the lake where we swam, they let me cry, they made me laugh and told me they love me. This was a good reminder of how I need to refocus and let the bad stuff go, if it won't go, throw it away!

I'm fine, I'm sad. I'm sad about the hearts that are broken close to me, I'm sad for the state of our country, for the victims of the fires blazing all around us in California, and I'm sad because my hormones are all over the place right now and I can't control what seems like a never ending supply of tears. This is not the first time I've been to the depths of my heart, and it's likely not the last time. Some would argue it's a gift to feel so deeply, both happy and sad, but I bet we would all agree it's more fun on the upside. I know peri-menopause has come to visit and seems to be here for an extended stay. I know I need to see my doctor but it just seems so hopeless. I know it's not hopeless, but I feel so, so what? Numb? Flat? Nothingness... it just feels like I don't feel. With all of this said, nothing is "wrong," I'm fine, I just need to get through... <3 span=""> <3 span=""> <3 span="">

Fair Fun!

This kid cooked it out of the park on Saturday! He was professional, articulate, knowledgeable, friendly, and entertaining. Can it get any better? I'm sure it can, but it was pretty darn close to perfect. We arrived in Southern California on Thursday night and spent Friday at Santa Monica Beach. Mason loves the ocean, as much or more than I do. The ocean gives me a sense of peace and I love the vastness of it. I like to visualize the ocean as all this life has to offer, an infinite amount of abundance for everyone. When Mason was just a little boy (2009), we were at the beach near Jenner I asked him to come with me to the water's edge. I showed him how I stand with a wide solid stance and open my arms wide to accept all the abundance that the universe has to offer me. He did it with me and Dave took our picture - I loved that photo! So much so, when we were in Hawaii (2013) a few years later at my favorite beach, I asked Dave to take another photo just like the first one. We did another one in Alameda (2016) on one of our last visits with David and Lisa Anderson, and then again on Friday at Santa Monica Beach (2018). It is special to see him growing and more so to know that he understands the power of positive thinking, that his thoughts matter and he is in control of not only what he thinks, but how he feels. Look at the image from Friday, he's looking at me. I not only see him looking at me, but I feel him looking to me. I hope I am doing him justice as his mom, he is an amazing human and is growing into an exemplary young man. 

Let me share with you something he did on Saturday at the OC Fair. Mason was scheduled to cook at noon, 3 PM, 5 PM, and then participate in a watermelon eating contest at 7 PM - which by the way, he won! Mason has a fan on social media named Max. Max is in his early 20's and has a rare blood disorder, so rare that it doesn't even have a name. In any case, Max is a huge fan of kid cooks. He follows MasterChef Junior and Chopped Junior, he reviews and gives his thoughts on each episode, he cheers on the contestants and even creates his own fantasy seasons when there isn't a season currently on air.  He will post photos of Mason and note what a great friend Mason is to other kids and of course, Mason responds with appreciation and kind words. At Christmastime, Mason signed a photo for Max and sent him a package of some of his Mason Made sauces and a Christmas card. Recently, Max had a serious health issue and he's been in the hospital for weeks. His aunt reached out to Mason on social media and asked if he would send her a video greeting for her to put together a video get well card for him. Mason said, "Absolutely!" We've been communicating with Max's aunt and Saturday Mason said, "Mom take a video for me." We were getting ready to play our favorite carnival game, it's a quarter toss that Mason has been incredibly lucky winning the largest Choice prize the last two years. See the video above - 

This is Max wearing the coat Mason outgrew and sent him.

This little bit of kindness must have really made him feel good because he gave several dollars in quarters to two kids who it seemed didn't have money to play, and after he won I don't know how many smaller prizes, he traded them up to a larger one and gave it to another little girl who was just watching the bigger kids play. The ladies working the booth were blown away! One of them leaned across the barrier to ask me, "Is he always this kind?" Yeah, pretty much. #KindnessRocks.

After a full day at the fair, we got up early and headed back north home where we found Dave, Spencer, and Gunner waiting for us with lots of hugs and kisses. Well, Dave was glad to see us I'm sure, but Spencer and Gunner showed up with all the tail wags and kisses. 

As a side note, I've never in 14 years been as behind on my blog as I am right now. I have notes for each week about what I want to pen, but there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day. I will get caught up, but in the meantime, I'm not missing a moment of my time with Mason. He will be 18 and gone before I know it and I will have lots of time to fill in the blanks of my little blog about nothing. 

Is It Really THE WORST Thing That Could Happen?

At what point in our lives do we recognize that there are good days and not such good days? Of course, we know that logically, but there are times when shit happens and we can't get out of the mindset that it is "THE WORST" thing that could happen. Maybe it seems that way at the moment, but really, is it "THE WORST?" If you had to really say out loud what the worst thing that could happen to you is, what would it be? Likely not the situation you are currently experiencing. When life beats me up, I try really hard to allow myself to feel whatever is appropriate at the moment, but ultimately to try to move out of the really bad feelings, I remind myself that Mason is alive and well, Dave and I are being granted the privilege to grow older, and everything else is the stuff that we have to do our best to deal with and get through. Look at really old people and how they stay calm and encourage us to enjoy the people around us, work in our gardens, paint the picture, bake the cake and then eat some, and just know it will be okay. It may not be the same, but it will be okay. My granny is in my ear today, "Kahty, (that's how she said my name) this too shall pass. Here, let's have some tea and toast." And she would make me tea and sing a little song while she did it as if she never had a care in the world. She did, as do we all. And before I get beat up by those who are in the thick of it for not fully understanding how bad it really is, I am writing this for me, to process my feelings, not about anybody else. I still feel bad about the way things go sometimes but I just can't stay in the, "how bad this is." Ask my husband and son, I prefer to look for the rainbows and butterflies that seem to surround me wearing my rose-colored glasses. I'm okay, just working through life stuff.

Success

Success is speaking words of praise,

In cheering other people's ways.

In doing just the best you can,

With every task and every plan.

It's silence when your speech would hurt,

Politeness when your neighbor's curt.

It's deafness when the scandal flows,

And sympathy with others' woes.

It's loyalty when duty calls,

It's courage when disaster falls.

It's patience when the hours are long,

It's found in laughter and in song.

It's in the silent time of prayer,

In happiness and in despair.

In all of life and nothing less,

We find the thing we call success.

Author Unknown

Almost July 4th

I just wrapped filming Ballbuster and we are getting into the thick of lots of days on the lake. There is not much else to talk about but knock wood, Gunner has been healthy and is growing up. I came upon these throw-back pictures of when he was a baby, can you even believe he was ever this little?

When I look through the years of Monday Motivators, I see a life well lived, it's mostly honest and I say mostly because there are things that I don't write about because they would divulge personal things that are not mine to share. Things that I participate in but are Dave's and or Mason's. Anything that is written here that may be considered sensitive is written with permission. 

I was thinking the other day about some things that I have not written about because of the very nature of the subject, sex for example. Dave and I have some really funny intimate stories but I'm not sure the Monday Motivator blog is the platform for them, and I don't want to start another blog. I wonder if I should write those posts and leave them unpublished here, so should I come to an untimely death or even my scheduled death at a ripe old age, they will be written down for Mason to laugh about. He won't be surprised or embarrassed by them, we've talked about every private topic under the sun, you name it, we've discussed it! You would think by now he would have learned that he can't shock me with his 14-year old boy antics. He made some comment the other night under his breath about fellatio, thinking I wouldn't know what he was talking about, I promptly made a hand-mouth gesture that surprised him but he acted like I didn't know what I was doing. I calmly noted that of course, I did, "Penis's come in all sizes, it either looks like this - insert motion of thumb and finger rubbing together - or it looks like this, - insert cupped hands a foot apart with a wide open mouth - " He turned bright red and was laughing so hard trying to get Dave to make me stop. So yeah, he won't be surprised to read anything I write about, although he may blush a little (no, a lot!) knowing it's his mom and dad the stories are about. 

Have a happy and safe July 4th holiday everyone!

Happy Birthday Flower Dave!

Happy Birthday Flower Dave! I consider it a privilege to get to spend another birthday with you and I hope to spend 40 more together! XOXO

There was a time in my younger years that I needed to voice my opinions about every little thing and be heard. Not so much today. Frankly, I don't need the stress of an argument, and the bottom line is, I don't care if you agree with me or not. I love you, or I don't. I like you, or I don't. I just want to tell the people that I love that I think they are amazing, help them achieve their dreams and goals, and spend time on the lake or lying under the stars with Dave and Mason and out dogs. 


Let's laugh, play a game, or share a meal. Let's just be happy today, who knows if we have tomorrow. And with that said, Mason and I just played Foodie Fight, it's a food related trivia game that is really fun, I kicked Mason's butt although I was impressed by how much he knew. 

What Are You Really Saying?

"I have been preaching to Mason his entire life about the fact that you can not unsay things, you can not unring a bell. You may have the opportunity to say you are sorry, but you still said it. Today an awesome experience in my life is forever marred by the insensitive ego of another. Someone who feels they are more important than the feelings of another. To work SO hard to move someone else's project and dream forward only to be dismissed by a look of utter disgust and finger pointing with negative head-shaking gestures to emphasize that I was the reason for such a pointed upset. I can say this for sure, I will be way more cautious with my reactions and non-verbal communications from this point forward, especially with Mason. I will try to respond, not react, and ask questions before I assume I know the whole story. I don't ever want to be responsible for hurting another like I was hurt today." June 15, 2018 

This was written after an incident on a movie set where I was working in casting and the producer scolded me for facilitating a photo with the lead actor and his young co-star. He would likely defend his actions by noting that I knew better than to ask a principal talent for a photo with someone on set especially since we had all been told that this was not allowed. The fact of the matter was that the young girl was also principal talent and the lead actor had offered the photo. All of that combined with that there was virtually no one else around us until the producer walked up while the photo was being taken by the young girl's mother, he had just enough time to spew his non-verbal vitriol all over me and let me just say, make me feel like he I had murdered his only child in cold blood. Really, it was a moment that my blood ran cold and I could not keep my emotions together. I felt as though my life moved into slow motion mode, his actions were amplified while moving in half speed, and I could not breathe. Did this moment elicit this reaction because I was doing something I knew was wrong? Was his intent to scold me so strong that it hit me like a semi truck? I don't know the answer all the way, but I know I could not hold it together, I cried all day so Sally sent me home. I cried all night at home, I could not stop thinking about how I let Sally down (Sally is my boss at the casting agency), and how I didn't want to ever come face to face with producer dude again. Before that could happen, Sally tried to smooth things over with a phone call, I would not have agreed to a phone call but I didn't have a choice, Sally patched us all together before I could say anything. 

As I sit here typing, I feel futile, it seems people like this guy simply don't get it. He has no people skills, he really doesn't care about me, so why would he care how I feel? He didn't apologize and when I saw him on set the next time, he put it on me, "Are you over all this nonsense?" The bottom line is that I won't work for or with him again. I know that the depth of the hurt from his incident had something to do with me because this knucklehead could not have hurt me like this if it were only about him. I know I try to please people, I work really hard to do a good job, follow the rules, and provide services above and beyond what is expected of me. When I don't succeed in doing that, I am disappointed in myself. I stand by what I wrote that day, I will work hard to respond to people, not react. I will ask questions before I assume I know the whole story. I don't want to be responsible for hurting another like HB hurt me on 6/15/18.