Over the weekend I had dinner with friends and while we were talking about different relationship issues, something came up that has my brain working overtime trying to "get it" or at least understand what she understands about pride and feeling proud.
Here's how this unfolded, the three of us were having dinner, a lovely dinner by the way, sitting outside by candle light and a full moon. We were discussing some of the challenges of balancing jobs, family, kids, friends, and extracurricular activities in a relationship. One of the biggest things is effective communication and understanding how we as individuals communicate and in turn, how our partner communicates.
She told a story of something her spouse did that made her extremely proud and I immediately asked her if she told him she was proud of him. He chimed in that that when he did it, he felt like she was upset that he had chosen to help this other person instead of spend time with her. I asked again, "Did you tell him you were proud of him?" She said no, she didn't feel she had any right to be proud of him. Huh? Even as I type this, I don't get it. Of course I asked, "Why would you feel you need a right to feel proud of your spouse?" She replied that she didn't have anything to do with who he is. Sure, his mother could be proud and tell him she is proud, after all, she raised this fine man to be who he is today. This still did not make sense to me. I don't think I can only be proud of people and their accomplishments if I have a direct hand in making whatever it is happen. I can be proud of Dave for serving our country and for being a great dad. I am proud of many of my friends for taking charge of their lives, going back to school to get a degree or even my mom and my aunt for writing (and completing) their book about our family's history. Other than being born into this family, I had no hand in that awesome project, but I sure am proud of my mom and my aunt for finishing it.
I went back to him and asked him why he thought she was mad at him. He replied that because she said nothing, he took that to mean that he should have chosen to spend his time some other way, likely with her. Because that was his interpretation of how his spouse felt, he never went back to help this person again. Here is the irony, the act of helping the person made his spouse feel that he was the kindest, most generous man - more than any other man she's ever known but she did not feel like she could tell him that she was proud of him because she had/has nothing to do with his evolution to this point as a person. When she said nothing, he felt he'd done something wrong or at least not to her liking, so he never did it again. Talk about a moment that required a moment of deep thought!
I still don't understand her mindset or belief that she needs to have some kind of vested interest in someones success to be "allowed" to feel proud and actually tell them. The bigger shame is that all this time passed and he didn't know how she really felt (feels) - she is proud of this guy, even if she thinks it's not allowed, her heart knows something different. I hope she listens to her heart more and enjoys how good it feels to be proud of the people we love, it really does feel good, but not better than it feels to hear that someone we love is proud of us!
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