I'm Scared.

Why? Why am I scared? What am I scared of? Is scared the right word? It feels more like terrified. There are so many things I want to do and I have things I want to say, things I feel are relevant but when I stand up to say them I become paralyzed. I am overcome with insecurity and I think, why does anyone care what I have to say? and I immediately sit back down. That last sentence was a metaphor because all of this happens in my head, I don't even really stand up. Who is this person? I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because the reactions when I broach the subject range from, "What?! You?!" to, "Whatever! Not you, you are the most confident person I know." How do I continue to talk to people who can't even comprehend that the most outgoing, confident person they know is currently terrified of her own voice right now? In fact, I think that's it, it is so uncomfortable for the people close to me to see me weak and broken that they don't know what to do. How can they know what to do, I don't know what to do.

Flowers on the first day of fall is a family tradition.

I will say this, there is one person who is showing up, asking me to share, wanting to know how I feel and allowing me to feel whatever it is I may be feeling and that is my sweet Flower Dave. Dave has been buying me flowers on the first day of fall for as many years as I can remember, it's my favorite time of year. This year he did not buy me a bouquet of flowers, he bought me a bouquet of flowers for every room in our house! I'm not kidding! Look at this photo. Is this a gesture that says, "I see you, Kathy, I see you and I love you. Flowers make you happy and I want you to be happy." See that Coke bottle? That is for scale to give you an idea of how flipp'n big that middle bouquet is! It's huge, or as I call, "Soap Opera" sized. LOL! If you watch soaps, you know what I am talking about, the flowers in the entryways of the homes (sets), are crazy big, like no normal person has flower arrangements that big in their homes, well, at least not people I know.

It's interesting, through the years Dave has said he thinks of me as his best friend but I have not always thought of him as my best friend. Before you get up in arms, yes he is my husband and I love him with all that I am. I think as young girls we have best friends and if we are lucky we stay friends into adulthood, you all know how lucky I am, I have both of my childhood best friends Julie and Lauren. As I've matured I've come to believe that it is silly to think that we have a single best friend, we have people in our lives that fill different needs and some at different times, some through all the times. I don't share everything with Dave because he already thinks I talk too much and he's not interested in everything that goes on in my life and relationships with the women in my life. If it comes up, I'll share, I have nothing to hide, I just don't share all of it. I had a realization the other day that even though Dave does not like to hear my long-winded stories, and we do not always agree, he really is my best friend. He is the one person who sees me when I am not at my best, he doesn't tell me I'm all that but he tells me I'm something super special when he sees it. He gets that I can handle a tough conversation but I don't ever want to hurt someone with my words. In fact, he sees that I am far more sensitive than many people will ever know. I'm part of a group of women who are going through menopause and it is amazing how many of those women's spouses/partners are leaving them. WOW! It's shocking to me that as soon as this craziness is setting in, marriages are ending. Dave has never made me feel like our marriage may be on the rocks while I'm going through this difficult time...and let me say, this has been the most difficult time of my life - hands down, the most difficult!

I feel like I've gone off rambling here but welcome to my new world. I hope I don't have to live here for long, but the point of my post was to say it out loud, I'm feeling insecure, my body is HUGE!! It's bigger than it's ever been not pregnant, my clothes don't fit, clothes that do fit look awful and feel awful, my body hurts, it smells bad (yes, I said smells bad, why?), I am eating well and very little and my weight continues to creep up...up, eating less and my weight is going up. I have been reading crazy amounts about menopause and weight gain, specifically the belly fat. I understand it but I don't like it. I am staying the course, I am continuing to eat good healthy food, trying to stay motivated to go to the gym, drinking lots of water, and just praying that my body will adjust to the lower levels of estrogen and let go of the excess fat that it seems to feel it needs right now. Back to my feelings of fear, I need to get back to doing sit-ups, or at least crunches. I say crunches because I don't think I can do a full sit up, my belly is so big right now (it measures a full 40+ inches around) it may be akin to doing a sit up while 38 weeks pregnant. I am going to record myself doing the crunches from day one. I don't know if I will post it initially, but I will have the documentation for when I see some real progress. I want to face this feeling of fear and overcome it, I want to do the things I want to do and not allow menopause to steal me from me... I don't like this me and I don't think my people like this me either.

PS If this post makes no sense, it's okay, it's where I am right now. I'm hopeful it will all come together and I can be back to being me again soon. I hope.

Mason's First High School Homecoming

Mason has his first high school homecoming. He went with a group of friends and had a really good time. I love seeing him grow into a young man and having these life experiences. He and his best friend Dylan are really good boys, I hope they continue on the path of honesty and don't find themselves questioning what's right. 

Dave, Jen and I went to see Clay Walker Sunday night in Folsom. It was so much fun! Thank you Clay Walker for yet another great show. The memories from yesteryear are priceless and the new ones we made last night are invaluable. ❤️

Finally, there are SO many reasons CA is not where we will live out our lives, but today, hearing that I cannot buy my favorite holiday baking spice because cinnamon is now on the Prop 65 list (oregano is new to the list, too), well, this state is batshit crazy. Yeah, this is not breaking news, I know, but WTF, how is it I am still alive according to the "we have to save the world one dragee' and teaspoon of cinnamon at a time" legislators?

Warn me, put the label on all the things that will contaminate our water, make us infertile, and help to kill us faster, but don't put the small businesses making the products have to fight you in court to be able to sell to us. I don't have every detail of how that works, but it's safe to say my info sources are those little businesses who are being hurt, and not just in CA.

Here's just one simple explanation of this ridiculousness - Comparison of the Prop 65 Standards vs National Standards

Let’s use lead as an example. Lead is a naturally occurring element that is found in the environment, including soil. According to the EPA, natural levels of lead in soil can range between 50 parts per million (ppm) and 400 ppm. Human-spread lead contamination widens this range, of course, with reports of over 10,000 ppm in certain types of areas, such as industrial facilities. [Source 2] International standards for lead in dietary supplements and food are often set at no more than 5 ppm. The Prop 65 Safe Harbor Maximum Allowable Dose Level for lead is 0.5 micrograms per day, meaning that a person may not be exposed to lead above this amount, by any product, without a Prop 65 warning. Setting aside the difficulties of translating this exposure level to a concentration level in a specific product, applying this standard to herbs and supplements means that lead content levels would need to be many times lower than federal levels in order for a product to be sold without a Prop 65 warning. Above the Safe Harbor Levels, a Prop 65 warning must be given to avoid lawsuits and potential liability.

When grown in soil with a relatively “low” lead content (500 ppm), spinach and radishes can have lead levels that exceed 3 ppm, while beets and carrots can exceed 6 ppm. [Source 3] Also, herbs may contain over 90% water by weight, so lead levels in dried herbs can be up to 10 times higher than their fresh counterparts. In addition, it is difficult to get root crops entirely free of the soil they are grown in. Under these circumstances, it is easy to see how it might be difficult to keep lead levels low in natural herbal products and especially in herbal root products.

For comparison, Lead Prop 65 warning required at 0.5 micrograms/serving and higher
FDA tolerable daily intake level
Adults: 75 micrograms
Children: 6 micrograms

A 4oz. serving of nuts, Brussel sprouts, or spinach can deliver up to 10 micrograms of naturally occurring lead. Indeed, virtually all foods contain lead and other heavy metals. In a study by the European Food Safety Authority the estimated mean lifetime dietary exposure from all sources [Source 5] to lead was estimated to be almost 50 micrograms per day in the overall European adult population. This is 100 times the Prop 65 limit. As you can see the potential amount of lead exposure from herbs and spices is at most a small amount of the total exposure to lead for the average person.

When manufacturing herbal products, it is often impossible to meet Safe Harbor levels. When Safe Harbor levels cannot be met Starwest applies the appropriate Prop 65 warning to its labels.

Happy Birthday Hotty Roddy!

Happy Birthday, Hotty Roddy! I swear, I do not know what it is with my brain, but I ALWAYS think your birthday is 9/20, why? I don't know, but can we change it? LOL!

Happy Birthday, friend, I love you to the moon and back. Some of my favorite memories with you are ice skating on my 30th birthday in San Francisco, traveling to S. CA visiting a banana farm and buying an apple, and in my defense, it was a passion fruit apple, and, "the doctor said no country!' I love that you love Mason and he loves you and I am so happy for you and Cat and I can't wait to see you two again.

Giving Back Feels So Good

I found out that someone I know has been really struggling professionally. This is someone who really helped me when I was first learning the business and trying to build my own clientele. I had a listing come my way and without thinking twice, I referred it to her. Little did I know, that listing was the first paycheck she had closed in over 7 months and getting paid allowed her to sponsor a young speedway racer in our town who also desperately needed new racing leathers. Man, that felt so good! #GivingBack #NotOnlyChristmas

Other than giving back, I planted a whole bunch of succulents and I am loving them! They just look so pretty and they somehow showcase the pots they are planted in. Finally, the late summer produce is off the hook! There is nothing like a BLT with homegrown tomatoes. I can't eat tomatoes from the grocery stores out of season, even though they are imported from countries where they are in season. Whatever! I'm loving them, here and now!