When Words Hurt

I've been informed that I'm a fraud and I am not who I represent myself to be. I put forth in my weekly Monday Motivator and on social media an image of a better human being than the one I really am. This from my family, my family that does not live with me, near me, or even within 2 hours of me. Family that presumes to know my relationship with my dad while growing up (again, we saw each other twice a year and NEVER at our house), and today suggested that I drop the facade and let people see the real me. Okay, here I am...bewildered, confused, and hurt. Interestingly, a similar situation cropped up many years ago when I wrote about feeling like I did not fit in with my family, I felt like I saw life through lenses that they somehow could not see through. That post led to the idea that I believed I was better than the rest of my family and putting it in writing in my weekly blog was a slap in the face to the whole family. Of course there was no mention of this to me, no conversation asking for a clarification of my post, just disconnection from a number of family members. At some point when I asked about how these people were, the truth came out, and again, here I am trying to figure out where the train went off the tracks. It gets old, trying to figure out where you stand with people all the time, are we good? Are we not good? if we're not good, can I know why? This is why 8 years ago when I lost my most favorite dog, I mourned for months, cried real, painful, uncontrollable tears for months, yet have nary shed a tear for the humans who have passed, who called themselves my family. I don't know how to be any more authentically me than I am every day - for better and for worse. Through my eyes, it seems feeling comfortable writing my truth, how I feel even when it's not the popular opinion, when I feel I'm not fitting in, etc would make me pretty darn authentic. I'm sad, but I am saying some prayers tonight for those people who feel that I am the one who is strong enough to bear their pain. 

The really unfortunate part of this whole situation, and there are many, is that the information that lead to this upset was brought about by a 14 year old girl who saw a photo on social media and made an assumption about it. She went and told her mom who believed her assumption, no questions asked, just, “Yep, if little Suzie said it’s so, it must be so.” This triggered an anger in the woman who then communicated all her anger and vitriol to another family member. Well, if woman one says it’s true, woman two believes it must be true as well. By the time I even found myself in the middle of a swarm of stinging bees, it was too late, the story they had created had taken on a life of it’s own. I behaved badly, I was rude to a woman (woman number two) I love dearly and even hung up on her. I know that hurt her deeply and I’m sorry I did that though I fear had I kept talking at that level of anger, I would have been sorrier about the things I likely would have said. I also sent a venomous communication to the woman who's daughter started all of this. I’m still mad. I know it’s not me, but I’m in it. I sincerely was trying to do something good and helpful and then this? Well, the truth is that this family feud is fueled by many years of the same kinds of assumptions and decisions coming from the same group of people that were hurtful to the rest. I feel like one part of our family collected anything there was to be had while the rest of us, even in the final hours paid the bills. Read that how you will, literally or figuratively, it just may be a bit of both.

I'm pretty sure this post is not going to sit well with the people in my family any more than anything else I have to offer, so just like any other day, I'm going to speak my truth and if anyone wants to talk about why I see things the way I do or feel the feelings I feel, I'm happy to discuss it. In the meantime, I'm going to get out in the world and try to make a difference, if only for one or two people, I want to leave a positive mark on today, tomorrow, this week, and more.