Quotes That Resonate

"If you have lost confidence in your ability to win, make a list, not of the factors that are against you, but of those that are for you. Your inner power will reassert itself and lift you from defeat to victory." Norman Vincent Peale

I posted this a year ago on my social media feed and it could not be truer today. I had lost confidence not only in my ability to win but in my ability to show up. I revisited this and practiced what I believe, not what I was feeling. Menopause has been the hardest thing I have gone through in my life, but through some trial and error with my amazing doctor, we have found a good combination of hormones and I am feeling so much more like myself, except for the weight gain, that's nothing like me, it's awful! LOL! I'm not sure what to do about that, I mean, I know you will advise me to eat "right" and exercise but I'm doing that and I'm not only not losing any weight, I'm gaining more. It's humbling to be in this situation and to hear my doctor tell me I am completely healthy, not to worry about it.

"You just keep getting fatter, don't worry about it."

I don't want to talk about that, I will stay the course, keep eating right, going to the gym and see where this goes, but if my weight gets to 200 lbs, I'm going back to the doctor and letting her know it's not okay and I am worried about it. Come on inner power, I'm counting on you!

I'm Scared.

Why? Why am I scared? What am I scared of? Is scared the right word? It feels more like terrified. There are so many things I want to do and I have things I want to say, things I feel are relevant but when I stand up to say them I become paralyzed. I am overcome with insecurity and I think, why does anyone care what I have to say? and I immediately sit back down. That last sentence was a metaphor because all of this happens in my head, I don't even really stand up. Who is this person? I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because the reactions when I broach the subject range from, "What?! You?!" to, "Whatever! Not you, you are the most confident person I know." How do I continue to talk to people who can't even comprehend that the most outgoing, confident person they know is currently terrified of her own voice right now? In fact, I think that's it, it is so uncomfortable for the people close to me to see me weak and broken that they don't know what to do. How can they know what to do, I don't know what to do.

Flowers on the first day of fall is a family tradition.

I will say this, there is one person who is showing up, asking me to share, wanting to know how I feel and allowing me to feel whatever it is I may be feeling and that is my sweet Flower Dave. Dave has been buying me flowers on the first day of fall for as many years as I can remember, it's my favorite time of year. This year he did not buy me a bouquet of flowers, he bought me a bouquet of flowers for every room in our house! I'm not kidding! Look at this photo. Is this a gesture that says, "I see you, Kathy, I see you and I love you. Flowers make you happy and I want you to be happy." See that Coke bottle? That is for scale to give you an idea of how flipp'n big that middle bouquet is! It's huge, or as I call, "Soap Opera" sized. LOL! If you watch soaps, you know what I am talking about, the flowers in the entryways of the homes (sets), are crazy big, like no normal person has flower arrangements that big in their homes, well, at least not people I know.

It's interesting, through the years Dave has said he thinks of me as his best friend but I have not always thought of him as my best friend. Before you get up in arms, yes he is my husband and I love him with all that I am. I think as young girls we have best friends and if we are lucky we stay friends into adulthood, you all know how lucky I am, I have both of my childhood best friends Julie and Lauren. As I've matured I've come to believe that it is silly to think that we have a single best friend, we have people in our lives that fill different needs and some at different times, some through all the times. I don't share everything with Dave because he already thinks I talk too much and he's not interested in everything that goes on in my life and relationships with the women in my life. If it comes up, I'll share, I have nothing to hide, I just don't share all of it. I had a realization the other day that even though Dave does not like to hear my long-winded stories, and we do not always agree, he really is my best friend. He is the one person who sees me when I am not at my best, he doesn't tell me I'm all that but he tells me I'm something super special when he sees it. He gets that I can handle a tough conversation but I don't ever want to hurt someone with my words. In fact, he sees that I am far more sensitive than many people will ever know. I'm part of a group of women who are going through menopause and it is amazing how many of those women's spouses/partners are leaving them. WOW! It's shocking to me that as soon as this craziness is setting in, marriages are ending. Dave has never made me feel like our marriage may be on the rocks while I'm going through this difficult time...and let me say, this has been the most difficult time of my life - hands down, the most difficult!

I feel like I've gone off rambling here but welcome to my new world. I hope I don't have to live here for long, but the point of my post was to say it out loud, I'm feeling insecure, my body is HUGE!! It's bigger than it's ever been not pregnant, my clothes don't fit, clothes that do fit look awful and feel awful, my body hurts, it smells bad (yes, I said smells bad, why?), I am eating well and very little and my weight continues to creep up...up, eating less and my weight is going up. I have been reading crazy amounts about menopause and weight gain, specifically the belly fat. I understand it but I don't like it. I am staying the course, I am continuing to eat good healthy food, trying to stay motivated to go to the gym, drinking lots of water, and just praying that my body will adjust to the lower levels of estrogen and let go of the excess fat that it seems to feel it needs right now. Back to my feelings of fear, I need to get back to doing sit-ups, or at least crunches. I say crunches because I don't think I can do a full sit up, my belly is so big right now (it measures a full 40+ inches around) it may be akin to doing a sit up while 38 weeks pregnant. I am going to record myself doing the crunches from day one. I don't know if I will post it initially, but I will have the documentation for when I see some real progress. I want to face this feeling of fear and overcome it, I want to do the things I want to do and not allow menopause to steal me from me... I don't like this me and I don't think my people like this me either.

PS If this post makes no sense, it's okay, it's where I am right now. I'm hopeful it will all come together and I can be back to being me again soon. I hope.

Mason's First High School Homecoming

Mason has his first high school homecoming. He went with a group of friends and had a really good time. I love seeing him grow into a young man and having these life experiences. He and his best friend Dylan are really good boys, I hope they continue on the path of honesty and don't find themselves questioning what's right. 

Dave, Jen and I went to see Clay Walker Sunday night in Folsom. It was so much fun! Thank you Clay Walker for yet another great show. The memories from yesteryear are priceless and the new ones we made last night are invaluable. ❤️

Finally, there are SO many reasons CA is not where we will live out our lives, but today, hearing that I cannot buy my favorite holiday baking spice because cinnamon is now on the Prop 65 list (oregano is new to the list, too), well, this state is batshit crazy. Yeah, this is not breaking news, I know, but WTF, how is it I am still alive according to the "we have to save the world one dragee' and teaspoon of cinnamon at a time" legislators?

Warn me, put the label on all the things that will contaminate our water, make us infertile, and help to kill us faster, but don't put the small businesses making the products have to fight you in court to be able to sell to us. I don't have every detail of how that works, but it's safe to say my info sources are those little businesses who are being hurt, and not just in CA.

Here's just one simple explanation of this ridiculousness - Comparison of the Prop 65 Standards vs National Standards

Let’s use lead as an example. Lead is a naturally occurring element that is found in the environment, including soil. According to the EPA, natural levels of lead in soil can range between 50 parts per million (ppm) and 400 ppm. Human-spread lead contamination widens this range, of course, with reports of over 10,000 ppm in certain types of areas, such as industrial facilities. [Source 2] International standards for lead in dietary supplements and food are often set at no more than 5 ppm. The Prop 65 Safe Harbor Maximum Allowable Dose Level for lead is 0.5 micrograms per day, meaning that a person may not be exposed to lead above this amount, by any product, without a Prop 65 warning. Setting aside the difficulties of translating this exposure level to a concentration level in a specific product, applying this standard to herbs and supplements means that lead content levels would need to be many times lower than federal levels in order for a product to be sold without a Prop 65 warning. Above the Safe Harbor Levels, a Prop 65 warning must be given to avoid lawsuits and potential liability.

When grown in soil with a relatively “low” lead content (500 ppm), spinach and radishes can have lead levels that exceed 3 ppm, while beets and carrots can exceed 6 ppm. [Source 3] Also, herbs may contain over 90% water by weight, so lead levels in dried herbs can be up to 10 times higher than their fresh counterparts. In addition, it is difficult to get root crops entirely free of the soil they are grown in. Under these circumstances, it is easy to see how it might be difficult to keep lead levels low in natural herbal products and especially in herbal root products.

For comparison, Lead Prop 65 warning required at 0.5 micrograms/serving and higher
FDA tolerable daily intake level
Adults: 75 micrograms
Children: 6 micrograms

A 4oz. serving of nuts, Brussel sprouts, or spinach can deliver up to 10 micrograms of naturally occurring lead. Indeed, virtually all foods contain lead and other heavy metals. In a study by the European Food Safety Authority the estimated mean lifetime dietary exposure from all sources [Source 5] to lead was estimated to be almost 50 micrograms per day in the overall European adult population. This is 100 times the Prop 65 limit. As you can see the potential amount of lead exposure from herbs and spices is at most a small amount of the total exposure to lead for the average person.

When manufacturing herbal products, it is often impossible to meet Safe Harbor levels. When Safe Harbor levels cannot be met Starwest applies the appropriate Prop 65 warning to its labels.

Happy Birthday Hotty Roddy!

Happy Birthday, Hotty Roddy! I swear, I do not know what it is with my brain, but I ALWAYS think your birthday is 9/20, why? I don't know, but can we change it? LOL!

Happy Birthday, friend, I love you to the moon and back. Some of my favorite memories with you are ice skating on my 30th birthday in San Francisco, traveling to S. CA visiting a banana farm and buying an apple, and in my defense, it was a passion fruit apple, and, "the doctor said no country!' I love that you love Mason and he loves you and I am so happy for you and Cat and I can't wait to see you two again.

Giving Back Feels So Good

I found out that someone I know has been really struggling professionally. This is someone who really helped me when I was first learning the business and trying to build my own clientele. I had a listing come my way and without thinking twice, I referred it to her. Little did I know, that listing was the first paycheck she had closed in over 7 months and getting paid allowed her to sponsor a young speedway racer in our town who also desperately needed new racing leathers. Man, that felt so good! #GivingBack #NotOnlyChristmas

Other than giving back, I planted a whole bunch of succulents and I am loving them! They just look so pretty and they somehow showcase the pots they are planted in. Finally, the late summer produce is off the hook! There is nothing like a BLT with homegrown tomatoes. I can't eat tomatoes from the grocery stores out of season, even though they are imported from countries where they are in season. Whatever! I'm loving them, here and now!

Personal Responsibility Life Lessons

Mason started high school this year and he’s loving it. He’s loving the open campus, his teachers, and the freedom at lunchtime to go out to eat. I’ve been encouraging Dave to back off and let Mason start really stepping up and taking responsibility for getting up on time, working with his teachers, homework, etc.

Our neighbor takes her son to PHS on her way to work and invited Mason to ride with them. She said, “I can’t be late so the latest I ever leave at 7:35, you need to be outside waiting for me.” I told Mason you need to be outside at 7:30 and ready to go. The first day she called and he ran outside. The second day she called and he was already out the door but she hadn't seen him yet. The third Day she left without him. Perfection! Things had been going well until yesterday when before bed I said to Mason, “Your dad does not have to work tomorrow and I don’t have to be up early so be sure to get yourself up and get outside to ride with Jen in the morning." He said Okay.

This morning I didn’t hear any activity but I stayed in bed. Finally, I heard him up and moving and thought oh good. As I heard him run down the stairs and the front door closed I looked at the clock and it was 7:36. I wondered, "Did he make it?" Nope! I heard the door open and he came upstairs and he busted into my room and he said, “Jen left, it was only 736!" I said, "Oh that sucks." He left our room. As Dave and I lay there I wondered if he would ride his bike or what he might be doing. Dave asked me if I was going to take him to school and I noted he didn’t ask me to take him. Dave said he’s going to be late for school and I agreed, "Yeah probably." A few minutes later, really more like 20 minutes Mason came in and said, "Mom are you going to take me to school?!" I said, "Oh do you do you need something?" Exasperated, he said, "I need a ride to school, you know that!" I said, "I don't have to go to school. You didn’t ask me to take you to school. Exasperated he said, "It’s implied. I need to get to school." I said, "You have legs, you have a bike…" He left the room and immediately came back in and in a very fake polite frustrated voice said, "Mom, will you please take me to school?" I said, "Oh you need a ride to school? Okay let me get up and get dressed and brush my teeth, I’ll be ready in a few minutes."

I took him to school and on the way, I said, "Look, here’s the deal, Jen said she can’t leave one minute past 7:35 which means you need to have your happy ass outside at 7:30. If you were getting out the door at the very last minute and you have a car and a job and your car doesn’t start, will it be implied that someone is taking you to work? Um, no. You need to take responsibility to make sure you get where you need to be and you get there on time." Later in the day, Dave added, "If you miss your ride, you better get on your bike and hustle to school. Be sure your bike lock is handy and ready to go. It's called a Plan-B."

It will be interesting to see how next week goes, but suffice it to say, he's getting some real-life lessons in what it means to be responsible, and to take responsibility when he's not making the grade. 

A Whole New Life - No Thank You!

In May of 2015, I had an incident while I was at school. While sitting in a video editing class viewing other student's projects, I started to feel strange, like a tingling in my knees that was moving up my legs into my torso and I felt like I might faint. I excused myself and very intentionally made my way to the health center where I asked if someone could take my blood pressure. They said something about a form, and my student ID and I said again, "Can someone please take my blood pressure?" There was more talk about the form... I interrupted and said, "I'm going to pass out" and I looked for a chair. The next thing I knew paramedics were there, my BP was really high and I was taking my very first ride in an ambulance. The ride was just 15 minutes and by the time I arrived in the ER, everything seemed to be fine. My vital signs had stabilized and my BP was much lower, still elevated, but not like it was. Some tests were run in the hospital and it was determined that I hyperventilated. What?! That sure did not resonate with me as to what had happened, but okay, I was feeling better and I went home.

The following weeks I had several occurrences of that same kind of what I determined was anxiety-like episodes and one really left me shaken. I took a quick trip to CVS Pharmacy and when I came out the doors, I did not know where I was or why I was there. I had a sense that I was in a familiar place, but I did not know where my car was or even what I was driving. I stood there for what seemed like a long time and started to walk into the parking lot looking for a car that I hoped I would recognize when I saw it. I did. I got in and sat there for again, what seemed like a long time. I finally felt like I could drive and I drove home like nothing had happened. When I got home I took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated but I attributed that to the scare I just had. I stretched out on my bed and started to cry. What was happening to me?

I had several more anxiety attacks through the summer but for the most part, things seemed to normalize. It wasn't until December of the same year that I woke up with a horrible headache. A headache like I've never experienced, I had to guess it was a migraine. I had plans that day to have lunch with a friend but between the headache I had and the crazy weakness I was feeling, I canceled. I took my blood pressure around 1 PM and it was elevated, but not more than usual, 140/90 if I recall. I was expecting friends that evening and I didn't want to cancel because they were coming to watch Mason's episode of Chopped Junior and they had gifts for him. They came and we had dinner while we watched his episode and here it came again, that feeling in my knees, up through my legs, into my torso and suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe. I asked Mason to get me the BP cuff and here we went again, 180 over something...but I knew I needed to go to the ER. My friends took me in and by the time we got there I was feeling like I was fighting to stay conscious. I was rushed right in and spent over 6 hours there. The ER doc had this to say, "WOW Mrs. Partak, you are healthy as can be, I can't find a single thing out of line, but what is up with this blood pressure? Did you take too much of your thyroid medication?" Nope. "Did you drink some coffee or take some kind of stimulant late today?" Nope. "Well, I'm going to prescribe you some regular blood pressure medication and askt that you follow up with your regular doctor." Great, and I headed home.

I started taking the medication and things seemed to settle down. I had a few more episodes of what seemed to be anxiety attacks, the sense that I might faint, and weakness, but each time it happened and I checked my BP, it was normal. Fast forward to early 2017 and I find that I am really struggling to keep the pounds off. The things I could do with my diet and exercise were not working and guess what else? The hot flashes started. I didn't initially connect the things that had happened in 2015 with the onset of menopause, but you know what, that is exactly what was happening! The more I read and the further I am getting in this process of the life change, it's exactly spot on. Here I am today not so much with the blood pressure episodes, but I am up 30 lbs and I cannot get the weight off. I have severe joint pain to the point I don't want to stand up in the morning and hold my own weight, but it hurts to keep lying in bed. I walk like I am an ill 100-year-old woman - I add ill because I don't want to be disrespectful to those fit and spry 100-year-old women. My emotions are a mess, I cry, I'm sad, I'm mad, I snap at Dave and Mason, it's awful. I'm sure you are reading this thinking, Oh, Kathy, just get this XYZ herb, or this supplement, or get to the gym, you need to exercise, or this diet is just what will help you, Fast, it's just what your body needs, it helped me... I hear you, we all want to help, but I have to tell you, if I wasn't experiencing this and know on my honor that it is the way I'm sharing it is, I don't know if I would believe me.

With all of this said, I am doing my best to know this too shall pass. It will not be forever even though ten years feels like a lifetime. I know I am not defined by my weight and body size, but yeah, I kinda am. Our society does not see what is really happening, it sees that I let myself go, that I don't have the willpower to not eat the cookies. For those of you who know and admire my optimistic outlook, you would be surprised to know that I cry every day, that I don't want to leave my house because my clothes don't fit and it hurts even more to buy BIGGER clothes. Going to the gym is a double whammy - not only does it hurt physically, like real constant pain, it hurts to see how big I am in all the mirrors. I don't want to go out with Dave because I am embarrassed about what I look like and how that may make him feel. I'm really more miserable than I've ever been and I'm not sure how to get through without major repercussions to my relationships. I wrote to my doctor today letting her know how extreme my feelings and emotions have become and she will be seeing me this week.

How is it that women all over the world can be feeling this way and there is not more being done to help? There are only 1100 doctors that are fully educated and certified to treat menopause, only 1100 in the United States. There is a sense that once we are past childbearing years, we become obsolete, no longer needed. I am absolutely sure most will disagree with me, but again, this is where my emotional state is right now, this is how I feel. I want this documented why? I don't know, I just want to be able to go back and connect the dots because I'm sure my memory is not getting any sharper either. I hope you all are aging more gracefully than I am, really, I do.

AARP Article