Monday, March 27, 2017

It's Inevitable, With Life Comes Death

Dave's dad is home and back in his own house. I'm sure we are all happier, but the stress was crazy heavy. Him being gone left me feeling happy and exhausted at the same time. Couple that with Gunner heading back to the vet with all the signs he's ingested something yet again, and I learned this week that both Dave's mom and my mom are both starting hospice care. We knew it was coming, it's not terrible, but it's all so emotional. Mason and I are still back and forth between Auburn and Ione while he is still shooting the movie and Dave is leaving this weekend for two weeks. 

Yes, my mom is dying. It's not terrible, she's lived a long life - it's time. I called her and we talked, I asked her how she felt, if she was excited to see my dad, granny, and grandpop. She told me she is. I asked her if she is afraid, and she said no. Mason was sitting on the floor of my office listening in and thought I was crazy (insensitive) to be talking about death with someone who is so close to crossing over. No! To allow my mom to share with me how she feels and where she is going in this next phase of her existence, I see it as a gift. Not many people agree with me but I don't care, it's she and I and it's real. I had a similar conversation with my granny years ago. She was more and more frequently wanting to talk about when she dies, and family would hush and poo-poo her, they would say, “Oh granny, we don’t want to talk about that.” But she did, so one day we were having tea, that’s what we did, we had hot tea (with milk and sugar) with dry toast and cheese and she brought up what she wanted when she dies. I asked her to tell me. She talked about her things, what she promised to whom and then she asked me what I wanted. I was inclined to say nothing, but there was something, I wanted her plants. Her eyes got big and she looked very surprised, “My plants? That’s what you want?” Yep, my granny and I both love house plants and she had a green thumb like nobody I’ve ever known. I got her plants and through 16+ years and many moves, they have not all survived, but I do still have one. 

Death scares me. I think it's because I still have life to live and things to do, and the idea of leaving Mason before he is grown makes me shudder. I hope when I'm old, I'm ready and not afraid. And I hope Mason will talk with me about these things... Love you mom, when you are ready to go, go, it's totally okay…but like I told granny, when you're dead, be dead, no showing up as an apparition, that would scare the bejesus out of me! I’ll be making plans to go see her and in the meantime, we’ll talk some more.

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