Nature vs Nurture

I’m not sure what turns on reflective thoughts, but I’m finding myself thinking about what makes this this, or makes that that. It’s rare that a week goes by that someone doesn’t tell me how polite Mason is, or they ask how it is that a 13 year old boy is so grown up. I rarely take the credit, although if Mason were an ill-mannered brat, people would hold me responsible for that for sure! The truth for me is this, it’s a combination of upbringing and character genetics, yes, the old nurture versus nature. 

I can look at many families, my own included and see two parents who raised 5 kids and we couldn’t all be any more different. Same parenting (mostly), same sociological environment, yet you have one child who is quite codependent, two who are felons, a fourth who is successful as middle class Americans go, and the fifth who is independent and outgoing more than anyone else in this family. Why is that? Same mom and dad raising all of them. Then you have a smaller family, two kids, one is a scholar, happily married, two kids, who are also thriving. The other is struggling to understand how to adult, that there are consequences and boundaries to their life choices. Number two has five kids with four different partners and is now married to another and parenting their kids. The last two of five are being raised by grandma and grandpa. How are those kids so different? These are just two examples of why I don’t take credit for who Mason is, and why I won’t feel totally responsible if he were to take a turn for the worse. To a large degree, and especially as he grows into an adult, he has a character imprint that makes him who he is. I see my job as creating situations that he can grow in and learn from, putting him in environments that will positively influence him, and doing my best to spot the teaching moments and make sure that the wounds & scars are less than the lessons he can move forward with.

I look at Mason’s early years and I did things much differently than my mommy-peers. Keep in mind that I had Mason at 37 years old and my mommy peers were typically younger women. Does that matter? I can’t be sure, but I suspect yes. Mason was on a schedule from the time he was born. He had regular meal times once he was outside of 3 months, we had a routine for our day and especially our evenings. He had dinner, we would play or cuddle and then it was bath time. After bath time we played a little more and then it was bed time. Mason slept in his own bed from day one. Now, I don’t believe in co-sleeping as I’m of the mind that mom and dad sleep together, that is their intimate space and when kids are there, well, other things fall off the radar. Granted, we are all pretty exhausted when a new baby enters our lives, but hey, the best gift you can give your kids is happily married parents. How do mom and dad stay happily married? They do the things they do in bed without kids! I had another reason for not sleeping with Mason and it was this, Dave deployed when Mason was just 3 weeks old. If I were to sleep with Mason and then work to get him to sleep on his own 18 months later, I thought he may feel displaced by Dave and then possibly harbor some kind of resentment. I don’t know why I had that forethought, but I did. Mason has always been a good sleeper and to this day, he is fine sleeping away from home and Dave & I.

The other thing I did from the very start is I, “said what I meant, and I meant what I said.” If I stated a consequence for an action and Mason took that action, the consequence was imposed. There was no question, no second chances, just the consequence. This has really served Dave and I as parents, Mason is now 13 and he knows we say what we mean and we mean what we say. Back to the DNA imprint, even though that “nurture” training has been successfully programed, the “nature” in the kid will still make a poor choice and have to endure the consequence. So with all of this said, I believe all kids deserve a nurturing and loving environment to grow up in. That means punishments as well as lots of joy and rewards. But a great environment is not all it takes, and frankly mom and dad, it’s not all on you! Kids are little humans, they will start making their own decisions earlier than you think, and they won’t always be to your liking. Love them, guide them, scold them, teach them, and love them some more. What I find is the most important part of nurturing our kids is being a good role model and setting good examples. That way, when they do make poor choices, they can’t come back to you and say, “Well, you did…”